


find my place (in the warmth of your embrace)

by BloodInTheFields



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/F, Musing, POV First Person, Tissaia's POV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:22:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25648777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodInTheFields/pseuds/BloodInTheFields
Summary: A look at some entries of Tissaia's diaries about her ever-evolving relationship with Yennefer.
Relationships: Tissaia de Vries/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Comments: 57
Kudos: 129





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Something a little different that I've been wanting to try for a while. Your thoughts are welcome!

“I received news from an old friend today, asking for advice on political matters. I shall visit her soon. Artorius is away on a personal trip to Nilfgaard to see how his niece is faring. As for me, I am in quite the predicament. Keeping tabs on Yennefer of Vengerberg isn’t an easy task. She’s disappeared from Aedirn, along with the Queen and her daughter. All are believed to be dead, and I’ve lived long enough to be certain that King Virfuril is not mourning their disappearance. The fool must have had his hand in it. I know Yennefer is alive. I lost her trail in Temeria; no doubt the girl realized that using magic meant that she could be traced. I shall keep ears and eyes on the continent to inform me of her whereabouts. I doubt she’ll set foot in Aedirn any time soon.”

__

“I found Yennefer in Rinde. I know the Brotherhood is not pleased with her and she has caused a lot of damage. I cannot help but feel responsible. I should have taught her better, guided her better. I should have fought for her. Yennefer was surprised to see me, and I was surprised to see how dangerously beautiful she has become. Long, luscious black hair, alert purple eyes and full lips, painted red. We talked and it was as ever: me, trying to convince her to be careful and to behave, her, rebellious and sarcastic. Even after all these years her resentment is intact. I tried, but I must accept that I was never enough for Yennefer. She is too much of a free spirit, of an unrepentant slave to her chaos. Her words have touched me to the point where I can still feel them piercing my skin. She enjoys pain, I told her as much. But so do I. And if I must keep trying, if I must keep breaking myself against the high walls that she's put up, then I will, with no regret and no restraint.”

__

“I had a dream last night that has left me confused and troubled. Yennefer was back in Aretuza and she was pleasant and obedient. She spent most of her time with me, shadowing me as I taught classes. She brought me wine and fed me grapes. The troubling part is that we went to bed together, not as comrades but as lovers. She embraced me and I let her. She kissed my neck and I let her. She slipped her hands under my nightgown and I let her. I'm unsure what happened next; my memory is foggy, the dream distant already. I believe we made love. I must not think about this too much or too long. I fear it may come back to haunt me in my sleep from now on. It's been years since I last spoke to Yennefer. I have no idea where she is.”

__

“Yennefer came back to Aretuza today. I wasn't expecting her. I didn't think she'd ever set foot in here again. She was already causing trouble when I found her. I'd heard rumors about Yennefer of Vengerberg being within the walls of the academy and I had to see for myself. And there she was, in all of her glorious and sinister beauty, scaring poor girls I've been working hard to train. I was reminded of my dream, one that has become recurrent and that I cannot seem to leave behind. I asked her to fight with the rest of us at Sodden and of course, she refused. I was desperate for her help; we need all the chaos she can bring to battle. I said please, and that somehow did the trick. If I'd suspected that saying one little word could sway her, I'd have done it back in Rinde all those years ago. Please. It was that easy. She'll sleep in a room near mine until we are ready to depart for Sodden Hill. I shall think about paying her a visit. We have much to discuss.”

__

“The visit went as I expected it to go, at first. We argued. It seems to be the only constant in our relationship. Yennefer is fueled by resentment and anger, and most of it I've had directed at me. I don't blame her much. She's already agreed to fight alongside us, the least I can do is let her unburden herself before marching into certain death. I wish it were easier with her. I wish I knew how to appease the storm in her head. Yennefer deflated when I told her we were most likely not going to both survive the battle, and she sat down on her bed. For the first time in many, many years, I caught a glimpse of the young girl I first met. Was it fear that I saw in her eyes as she looked up at me? I wonder. She was quick to look away. When I sat beside her, she did not recoil. I stayed with her for a while, silently, knowing that if I spoke I would risk angering her again. She accepted my presence in exchange for my silence. Then she stood up and bid me goodnight without looking at me, and I did not try to overstay my welcome. Perhaps tomorrow we will talk more. There is still a lot for me to do before I can go to bed. Letters to write and to send. Philippa has yet to show up. I'm starting to doubt she ever will.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy that the first chapter got a positive response! Hope this one lives up to expectations ;)

“A lot has happened since my last entry. It’s been almost a month since the battle of Sodden Hill. I feel very weak still, and it costs me much of my strength to even lift a quill and write those words. But I must, as I intend to leave a trace behind after I depart from this world. Sodden brought a darkness that I couldn’t possibly have envisioned. Fringilla, lost to the clutches of a magic so unstable and volatile… I fear her soul has been permanently corrupted. The dimeritium she used against me is still coursing through my veins, though most of it has been purged. I dread to think about what fate would have befallen a lesser mage. Many of them perished at Sodden under Nilfgaardian attack or Yennefer’s wrath. I knew the power bottled up in that infuriating woman was tremendous but seeing it unleashed at last… My skin prickles at the mere thought of it. Rarely before have I seen a chaos so raw and devastating. Yennefer of Vengerberg, who was no more than a girl with a twisted spine when I first met her, saved us all by decimating an army. Somehow, she spared me the burn of her fire, refused to let me die with the others. I owe her a great debt. She’s still unconscious in the infirmary, hasn’t regained consciousness since we found her passed out outside a forest near Sodden where she must have portaled after the battle. As I slowly heal, so does she. I can only hope it will not be long before she opens her eyes again.”

__

“My nights are plagued with nightmares—most of them involving Yennefer. In some, she dies at Sodden, in others she is the one in Fringilla’s shoes and condemns me to a certain and painful death. But when I wake from that restless sleep, it is to the sight of her in her bed, breathing softly in the darkness of the bedroom, her face lit by the dim glow of a lone candle. I’ve set up my quarters so that they would also accommodate Yennefer, couldn’t bring myself to leave her in the infirmary with the rest of the mages. I selfishly want to be the one to help nurse her back to health. She’s weak, more so than I am. My body is rid of dimeritium but its lasting effects sap me of my strength and leave me breathless too quickly. Triss Merigold would like me to rest and so here I stay, keeping Yennefer company even though she spends most of the days in deep slumber. When she wakes, most of the talking is done through our telepathic link and even then, she barely speaks to me. Her eyes are curious and alert; I find her watching me with an impenetrable gaze at times and I wonder what goes on in her mind. I think of my dreams, before and after Sodden. When she reaches out for me with a trembling hand, I offer her mine, a small comfort for the uncertainty and anxiety she must be feeling. I must soon resume my duties as Rectoress, but I am loath to leave Yennefer to her own devices.”

__

“I woke up this morning feeling stronger, only to realize that Yennefer must have joined me in bed at some point during the night. Her arm was wrapped around me, and I felt her breath on the back of my neck. The intimacy of this shook me and I’ve been unable to think of anything else all day. I am to bring her supper shortly but cannot imagine facing her enquiring purple eyes for the entire evening. She’s doing much better, and it shan’t be long before she departs yet while I am relieved to see her well, there’s a strange longing inside of me at the idea of her leaving. I shall try and not dwell on it too much.”

__

“The emperor of Nilfgaard is looking for someone—a girl. She’s gifted, magic runs through her veins. I fear his reasons for wanting to find her. Her power and talent are undeniable. From what I’ve heard, she is travelling with the same witcher who crossed the paths of both Triss and Yennefer. While the former seems to have a fond memory of him, the same cannot be said for Yennefer. Her mood soured when I spoke his name over dinner. Since then, she’s been oddly quiet, sitting silently by the window of my bedchamber, even as I write now. I can divine that something happened between them. I despise the twist in my gut at the thought of them together. It is not a feeling I’m used to nor a legitimate one. It must be that dream which refuses to leave me in peace. I shall try and get the truth out of Yennefer, see if there’s a way for me to acquire the girl before Emhyr does. I dread what her power could do were she to fall in the wrong hands.”

__

“We left Aretuza yesterday morning after a long week of debate with the Brotherhood. They’ve heard of the girl—Ciri of Cintra, heir to the throne of the late Queen Calanthe. Stregobor wants her killed, I’m sure. He has not said the words but his surly mood and scheming eyes betrayed him all the same. I’ll have to make sure whatever plan he comes up with will not come to fruition. Yennefer decided to accompany me in my quest for the girl’s retrieval. Perhaps because her entwined fate with Geralt compelled her to. She told me about him and the Djinn, finally, after a few nights of brooding in a corner. She remained in my quarters with me as she healed. Her recovery has been faster than mine after she awoke from her magically induced coma. Now, as we ride for Blaviken, I cannot help but wonder why she chose to stay so close to me.”

__

“Finding the witcher is not an easy task. He remains hidden, possibly to protect the girl. Yennefer is more forthcoming now—no doubt talking to keep herself entertained as we gallop through plains and mountains to try and catch up with her former lover. She says she’s not worried about finding him, that fate has bound them to one another and therefore they shall meet again, and again. I have nothing to say to that; the thought irrationally angers me. Yennefer proves to be a rather agreeable travelling companion when she’s not moping about the witcher. She’s witty and charming and this makes the situation all the more complicated because I cannot seem to shake those inappropriate feelings for her. Luckily, she’s too enamored and furious with that man to pay any attention to me. I find myself staring at her when we make camp, and blushing like a teenager when she turns her eyes to me. I know that this will not do and that I must get over this infatuation, but by the gods, Yennefer is beauty itself and I cannot stop myself.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter isn't written yet so it'll take a bit longer to come but since this isn't meant to be a long fic... it shouldn't be too hard to write. Hopefully. Thanks for all the love!

“I am beyond confused and lost. I have not found the time to write this past week and so many things happened. We found Geralt of Rivia and Ciri in a small village north of Temeria. A battle would have been likely had Yennefer not been present. The man was hostile, the girl even more so. Yennefer’s history with Geralt made him willing to listen to me—to _us_. Yes, Yennefer argued on my behalf, explained to them that the safest place for Ciri would be Aretuza. It took us two days to convince them. It seems the witcher is not willing to let the child go, and Ciri has taken to him. She’s also rather intrigued by Yennefer and it is delightful to watch them interact. I couldn’t help but notice how Geralt looked at the two of them—with barely concealed longing. The perfect family of misfits, I suppose. And yet, after an evening of drinking at the tavern in the village, it is me that Yennefer followed back to my chamber. I was surprised, expecting her to go sulk in her own room, pretending to resist the witcher for one more day before going back to him. She did none of that. We didn’t speak. I undressed, felt her eyes on me as I used water from a basin to wash the dirt off my face and body. She waited for me to be done and when I was ready for bed she offered to brush my hair for me. I let her, I’m not sure why. Her hands were careful, taking the pins out one by one until my hair was loose and she could thread through it with her fingers. I was thankful for the lack of mirror in the room, for I don’t think I could have met her eyes without blushing. Yennefer is a mystery. Once she was done, she let me slip under the covers and then undressed herself and washed. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see, afraid of what emotions the sight of her naked body would provoke in me. She asked if she could sleep here, and I should have said no. But I am weak when it comes to Yennefer. She made her way to the bed, and then it was an agonizingly long moment before I turned to look at her, only to find her staring right back. I don’t know how much time passed as we lay like this. I must have fallen asleep, because I only remember waking up to an empty bed in the morning.”

__

“We are on our way back to Aretuza. Geralt insisted on accompanying us, and although it is entirely unnecessary I can tell that Ciri feels safer with him around. I tolerate his silent presence more than Yennefer does. She’s still hurting—it comes off of her in waves. She seeks my company when not long ago she’d have done anything to escape me. Ciri distrusts me, her eyes are so very expressive. She reminds me of a young Yennefer, and I think Yennefer sees it too. She looks on the girl fondly and then smirks at me, and I am torn between wanting to chide her or kiss her. These past few days have made me realize I cannot fight the onslaught of emotions I feel around her. I might as well feel everything and let it run its course. Sometimes when I catch her eye, my heart skips a beat and I have the distinct impression that she knows. Her hands brush against my body whenever she walks past me, and she invited herself to my tent, pretexting that it’s safer if we room together while on the road. I pointed out that she also insisted on sharing a bedroom at every inn we’ve stopped at during our journey and she simply ignored my very good point. I am starting to wonder if perhaps my feelings aren’t completely one-sided. It’s more likely that she’s using me to make the witcher jealous, but why? She could easily go back to him as he clearly wants her. This triangle leaves me perplexed. If Yennefer keeps that up, I will force the truth out of her.”

__

“I confronted Yennefer earlier today. In the modest privacy of our tent while Ciri and Geralt were off hunting together. I asked about her behavior and she feigned ignorance. When it became clear to her that I would not let this go, her beautiful features hardened and she turned away from me, refusing to look me in the eye. I told her she was too old for games, that I would not let myself be used as a distraction from Geralt and she scoffed. It felt like our relationship had reverted back to its old way of bickering and resentment, and I hated every second of it. She remained stubbornly silent and I, powerless. Her mind is sealed off. She may have struggled with that task as a young student but there’s no trace of that anymore. Yennefer has become a great mage and her mental wards are strong enough to thwart my attempts at peeking into her mind. She stormed off, saying that if her presence bothered me so much she wouldn’t be a burden for much longer. I thought this would be the end of it, and I tried my best to ignore the pain this caused me. I should have known better.

Yennefer came back merely a minute after her angry outburst and before I could say a word, she grabbed me by the waist and kissed me. There was nothing sweet or romantic about it; she was a ball of fury, her lips harsh and demanding. Still, I kissed back and I knew in that moment that things would never be the same. I don’t know how long it lasted, I don’t remember much at all, aside from how it felt to have her pressed against me, to taste her plump lips and caress her tongue with mine. I can still feel the ghost of her kiss, still smell her perfume on me. She left as soon as we broke away to catch our breath, without a word or a glance. I could not follow her out. My legs were unstable and I had to sit down to think. I have not left the tent, even now as I smell the meat cooking over the fire. I can hear Ciri and Yennefer talking, and the thought of seeing her has me paralyzed with fear. What now? Should I have gone after her, insisted we talk?

I hear footsteps approaching, I shall continue my writing later.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, this chapter took a bit more time to come and the others will too. Thanks for reading and reviewing!

“Ciri came to fetch me for dinner. There was tension around the campfire and despite her young age, the girl is not oblivious. She kept throwing glances at me, then at Yennefer and finally at Geralt, no doubt wondering why we were all so quiet. I could sense the witcher’s eyes on me as if his mutation allowed him to see right through me and it was unnerving. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten so fast, but I could not get away from the camp fast enough. As soon as my bowl was empty, I bid everyone goodnight and went for a short walk to clear my head. Of course it proved to be utterly pointless. All I could do was think back on that moment we shared. I have no more answers to my questions than I did before Yennefer kissed me. Why did she do that? There is a possibility that she feels for me as I feel for her, but it’s just as likely—perhaps even more—that she’s merely trying to put the witcher behind her and I happen to be the one body available at the moment. Aretuza isn’t too far away now. I need the familiarity of its walls to gather myself and put some much needed distance between Yennefer and myself. I came back to my tent after some time, hoping everyone would be asleep. Geralt was still sitting by the fire, keeping watch. I bid him good night and disappeared inside the tent. It was warm and, to my surprise, not empty.

Yennefer was sitting on the bed, quite obviously waiting for me. Her head snapped up as soon as I entered and she wiped her hands on her dress, a sign of her nervousness. I remember telling her I was surprised by her presence and she shrugged. I was unsure whether she was here to talk, to sleep, or both. I stood facing her, letting her speak first. Finally, she admitted that whatever happened between the two of us since Sodden has nothing to do with Geralt. She confessed to feeling lost, torn between what she feels for Geralt—not knowing how real those emotions are—and what she feels for me. Yennefer, usually larger than life, looked small on that bed, refusing to meet my eyes for the most part. I dared not approach her. My own feelings were all over the place. I offered to help her look for a way to break the Djinn’s curse binding her to Geralt and the smile she gave me in return…

I have not felt so light in centuries. Everything was easier after she accepted my help. I know keeping my distance from her will not be a simple task if we are to do research together and travel side by side. But I shall not become too close so as to not add to her confusion. For now, our priority is Ciri. We must make sure the girl is safe and that her being in Aretuza remains a secret for as long as it can. After our talk, I could see how relieved Yennefer was and I imagine my face showed the same. As I write now, my eyes find her sleeping form on the bed, the warm blanket tucked under her chin and I cannot help but smile. She is precious, and I shall strive to make her happy.”

__

“We finally made it back to Aretuza under the cover of the night. Ciri bid Geralt good-bye before we left for Thanedd, on my demand. I did not wish for him to follow us there as I knew it would trigger the magic shields all over the island. Yennefer and I stood aside, giving them some privacy, for it is the last time before a few years at the least that Ciri will see her benefactor. I’ve promised the witcher that she’d be allowed to write to him and that I’d make sure the letters reached him. After their talk, I opened a portal and we quickly stepped through without Geralt. Yennefer managed to grab Ciri by the back of her cloak so she wouldn’t fall to the ground. I forget the girl hasn’t been through a portal before.

We used a secret entrance known only to a few of the oldest mages—I shall make sure that Ciri forgets about it—and founds ourselves in the wing where all the bedrooms are located. I felt nervous and realized I must have been picking up on the girl’s nervousness. It seems Yennefer also had that same feeling because she reached out for my hand and squeezed it briefly. I showed Ciri her room. It’s sparsely furnished, much like every other room here. She’ll learn to accommodate and make it to her image as she grows and evolves as a sorceress. Yennefer offered to stay with her for this first night, and so I am writing this alone in my quarters. A part of me wishes Yennefer were here with me; the other part is glad for the reprieve. Having her around at all times is not helping me keep my feelings at bay.

I must bathe and get some sleep. The sun will be up in just a few hours and I’ll have much to do tomorrow. Hopefully, Yennefer manages to gain the trust and affection of Ciri. I cannot get attached to her myself, or the preferential treatment might betray who she truly is to the others. Her identity must remain a secret until she is old enough and strong enough to handle herself. That girl’s fate is entwined with mine now and I feel the weight of it on my shoulders already.”

__

“The growing attraction between me and Yennefer is reaching a boiling point; I can tell. I’ve lived long enough to know lust, and the desire is evident in Yennefer’s eyes. I feel her watching me, undressing me in her mind when I stand to speak during council meetings. Oh, she listens to me but for the wrong reasons, I imagine. It does nothing to help me keep my resolve. She hasn’t been sleeping in my chambers since we came back which tells me she knows that would be a very bad idea. Her face haunts my dreams, and I could swear I feel her hands ghosting over my skin when I’m in bed. I wonder if she thinks the same about me. Knowing her, she probably unabashedly touches herself to the thought of us together and, knowing that, I long for her even more. Does she think of the witcher, too? I must start looking for a way to break that bloody curse.”

__

“Ciri is doing rather well. She’s shown a great capacity to adapt to her new life. Her training has to be slightly different because she’s not meant to become a king’s advisor but rather a ruler herself. I personally teach her politics and history. She shows interest, even though I often catch her daydreaming. Her first fortnight in Aretuza has now passed and she wrote her first letter to the witcher yesterday. She was in a better mood afterwards which pleased me. Yennefer has gone off on her own quest, while I am to do research in the library, here at Aretuza. I expect her back in a week. Her absence is deeply felt and I wonder if she thinks about me at all.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while! Short update I know, but I'm just slowly easing back into writing.
> 
> Btw head over to my Tumblr @ blood-inthefields.tumblr.com ; there's a link to my gofundme and I invite you to check it out, for those who haven't.

“Yennefer returned this morning with a promising lead. She spoke of an elder of Elven blood found deep in the forest north of Temeria. The magic of the Elves is known to few and one of the most powerful in the world. If we find the magic-wielder, there is a chance that the curse binding Yennefer’s fate to the witcher’s can be lifted. In spite of myself, I hold out hope that this will work. First, we must find the elder and that will be no easy task. There are many reasons Elves hide from humans and if we are not careful, we could fall into a trap or be killed on sight.

I have written to Margarita; she is to come at once. I need her to keep an eye on Aretuza while I’m gone. I do not trust anyone else with the school and the girls, and certainly not with Ciri. Margarita will be let in on her secret because there is no other choice, but I’m certain she’ll keep quiet about it. When she arrives and receives my orders, I am to depart with Yennefer. I have faith the letter will find her in good time. I expect to be gone in a few days. For how long? Who knows… I pray for our safe return.”

__

“Being on the road is something I haven’t done in a long time. Girls experiencing their conduit moment are few and far between. The others—talentless but rich—are delivered to our doors. Thus I spend most of my time at Aretuza and forget the world outside changes with the years. Yennefer, however, is quite the traveler and street-wise in ways I could never be. She knows the best taverns, finds the shortcuts we need to make good time on our journey, remembers the names of a few merchants we cross paths with. She is truly astonishing. And here I thought she was closed off and looking down on the little people. It seems there is a lot more about Yennefer that I have to discover.”

__

“We’ve made it close to the forest and will be travelling there tomorrow. I’ve gone up to the bedroom we paid for the night to write about our journey but I feel the alcohol I drank making me dizzy. I’ve rarely ever indulged in strong liquors but Yennefer insisted on celebrating our progress. She is waiting downstairs at our table and I know going back down will prove to be a mistake, with liquid poison in our veins pushing us towards the inevitable. But I am tired of denying myself, tired of hiding. Yennefer is too much to resist and I am swept in the whirlwind that she is. I want to kiss her. I want to be kissed by her. To have known the taste of her lips and being deprived of more is the sweetest torture I’ve been through. My body longs for her, so close and so far all at once. I shall surrender tonight, for only the gods know what fate tomorrow will bring to us.”

__

“My head is pounding; my heart is beating fast and I notice it is hard for me to hold my quill and focus on the words, but that is testament to the turmoil I’m in. Yennefer rebuked me. Well, that is not quite accurate. She did follow me back to our room and allowed me to press her against the door. She let me kiss her, and I cannot shake the memory of the sounds she made then, as she held me tightly against her. Her mouth was eager, greedy, and met mine without restraint. It was when I tried to bring her to the bed that she detached herself from me and stepped back. I knew there and then it was over. She apologized, sweet woman, and said she did not want our first time together to be fueled by alcohol. I could not keep her; she fled as soon as the words were uttered and I was left standing near the bed, alone and painfully aroused.

The feeling has subsided somewhat now, after I’ve had a bath. Yennefer has not come back to the room and I have a feeling she will not, or much later in the night so that I will be asleep when she slides under the thin sheet. I fear I’ve made things uncomfortable between us now. Shall I bring it up tomorrow and apologize? Perhaps it is best to put this night behind us and pretend nothing happened. We are nearing the end of this journey. There will be time to talk later.”

__

“Quick note: do not venture alone in a forest where it is rumored Elves reside. Luckily, I had Yennefer by my side and her tainted blood—which had once caused her great pain—most likely saved our lives today. We were ambushed and then brought alive to the elder. I let Yennefer do most of the talking. It is, after all, her plight. It was humbling to find myself amongst a people long forgotten and ostracized. Their knowledge of magic differs from our own and there will no doubt be valuable lessons to be learned from them. We’ve been given hospitality for a few days. Yennefer has gone to speak with the elder alone as per his request. I am now awaiting her return.”


End file.
